[Intro audio: “There is a Dark Place,” by Tom Rosenthal]
Hi, I’m Jordan
And I’m Sylvie.
And this is Or, Learn Parkour.
It’s a podcast about ADHD done by two people who have ADHD. Usually, but not this week.
This week is a very special holiday special.
It is all kinds of holiday and very, very special.
It’s so special. So, sit back, relax.
Enjoy. Please turn your cell phones off and refrain from flash photography or video recording of any kind.
Yeah. Yeah. That would be perfect if you could do that. So, yeah, please sit back and enjoy a Christmas special written, produced and directed by Jordan Rawlings. Dramatic reading by Sylvie Brown. That’s me.
Take it away.
Yeah. Did you have a title for this?
Okay. So, this is not the title. It has what looks like a title in the document. This is so fucking stupid LMAO. Is that a title?
I meant it as author commentary, but yeah, that does sum it up.
All right. Great. Buckle up. ‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the flat, excuse me.
We live in America.
Okay. Yeah. But did you want me to try and fit the word apartment into that line?
That’s fair. That’s fair. Okay. Not a creature was stirring save two hosts and their cats. Ah, I see the rhyme. I could have read ahead, but I didn’t. The stockings were hung by the window with care in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. Sleepy Jordan was nestled all snug in her bed with her cocoa and slippies and her orange boy cat, Ned. Sylvie in their hoodie, Root Beer in their lap, sat up begging their brain for a long winter’s nap. That’s dark.
I didn’t mean it like dark. I just meant in a you couldn’t sleep kind of way instead of, ‘cause, you know, delayed sleep phase ADHD.
Yeah. I wouldn’t know what that’s like. Well, okay. When out in the yard there arose such a clatter. They both sprang from their beds to see what was the matter. Where am I? Oh fuck, I lost my place. Okay. Away to the door Root Beer flew like a flash. Ned clawed up the curtains and tipped over the trash. Oh wow. This is really, this is really true to life.
I worked hard on it.
Within the cannon of our lives. You’re doing really well. I’m a big fan so far.
I tried really hard.
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. The moon on the tits of the- sorry?
Keep reading it.
The moon on the tits of the new fallen snow gave a luster of midday to objects below.
Okay. Here’s the thing, that’s not out of left field. The original line in the poem is the moon on the breast of the new fallen snow.
Oh, so you just picked a better word for boobs.
Yeah. I’m not just being horny on [inaudible]. That was in the original.
You could imagine my confusion.
Yes, but now you know. It’s an Easter egg for fans of the original.
Yep. Okay. Yeah. It’s just a little sneaky treat. Just slip it right in there for people who love to read the original poem that says breast, which I’m sure is- I mean, if it’s in the original, that makes sense. It is because old people said weird shit.
Yeah. There were a lot of things in here that I changed, not to be references, but just to make sense. Like what the sweet fuck is the down of a thistle?
I mean, isn’t that the fuzzy stuff on the stems of a thistle?
Yeah. But it was in reference to a verb. In the end of the poem they fly away softly as the down on a thistle and it’s like, bro, what does that mean?
But thistles aren’t particularly quiet for plants.
But the down on the thistle.
Because it’s soft. So softly. So it’s like softly as in quiet and they used the metaphor and talked about something that was really soft.
But those are two different definitions of the word soft. I get it. I see where they’re coming from.
It’s poetry. What do you want from them?
That seems pretty clear to me, but okay.
Just read. Just read it.
Well, it’s not like they knew what fluffy sherpa blankets would be like.
I feel bad for them then. I never thought about it that way.
That’s what I’m saying. So of course the down of a thistle would be the softest fucking thing they could think of, which is weird when rabbits did exist then, but, you know, to each their own. I’m just saying, you know. Fuck, I lost my place. Okay. Let me take the tits line again. We’ll start there. From the tits. The moon on the tits of the new fallen snow gave a luster of midday to objects below. When what to their wondering eyes did appear, but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer. With a little old driver, so lively and quick, they all knew in a moment he must be St. Nick. Okay. So, hold on. Now I’m questioning again. So, we all saw miniatures? Little tiny toy size reindeer, sleigh, and man and we thought that’s gotta be the real Santa. That can’t be a child’s toy. That can’t be a Christmas decoration.
I mean, that is the original. It is specifically a miniature in the original.
Did they mean miniature? Like it was really far away in the sky?
That is what I thought. That is the way that I interpret it.
But they hear a clatter because it’s on the roof. But if it was small.
They see them far away as he’s kind of taking the turn to fly in and then you can’t see him when he is on the roof, you know?
Yeah. But what clatter did they hear then? ‘Cause he wasn’t on the roof yet. That’s what I’m saying. I have questions.
And I know that this part’s not on you.
It’s not. I made a lot of dumb fucking mistakes in this one, but that was not it.
I’ve never so badly wanted to conduct a seance to find out some answers, you know.
Maybe next episode.
Maybe next episode.
Maybe that’ll be more Patreon content.
Oh, okay. More rapid than deadlines, his coursers they came and he whistled and shouted and called them by name. Now, Adderall-
You gotta do it. You gotta do it. I’m really proud of this part.
Okay. Okay. Hold on. I guess I should, if I wanna really go for it, I should give it a voice. Right? This is Santa that we’re talking about. But he’s miniature.
Okay, go ahead.
Now, Adderall, Ritalin, onward, Concerta, on Vyvanse, Wellbutrin, Focalin and Strattera to the top of the porch, to the top of the wall. Oh, wait. No, that’s still his line. Man, I’m doing a bang up job. To the top of the porch to the top of the wall. Now dash away, dash away, dash away all. Oh, just brilliant ideas floating out of you head. Oh, was I not supposed to read the typos?
You’re supposed to be psychic and understand.
That’s true. We do have a rule in our house. Telepaths only.
Yeah. Hate explaining shape.
Telepaths only. Okay. Just like brilliant ideas floating out of your head. As soon as you’re asked to explain what you meant. So up to the house, up the coursers they flew. Coursers, is that a word for reindeer or something that’s pulling your vehicle?
Yeah, I think it’s something that they-
I still have so many questions for old timey people.
So up to the housetop the coursers they flew with the slay full of gifts, and St. Nicholas too and then in a twinkling, they heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof, I should say.
Okay. So maybe they are miniatures the whole time.
Yeah. That’s fun.
I never caught that detail.
This is weird. I don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense, but I like it. As they scooped up the cats and were turning around, through the window St. Nicholas leapt with a bound. He was dressed all in fur from his head to his feet and his clothes were flecked with cookie crumbles and sleet. A bundle of gifts he had flung on his back and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack. His eyes, how they twinkled. His dimples, how merry. His cheeks were roses, his nose like a cherry. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow. And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow, the end of a vape he held tight in his teeth.
Smoking is bad, kids. But I just wanted to, you know, bring it into the 21st century.
Yeah. Did you? Did you?
I think I did.
Reading this is torture.
You’re so welcome.
Happy crimbo. Okay. Oh, okay, everybody, I can do this.
You got this.
The end of a vape he held tight in his teeth and the smoke had encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly. Oh, it’s like that Jars of Clay song.
What? Sylvie, what? Now it is your turn to explain yourself.
Oh, wait. No, not Jars of Clay. Is it DC Talk? Yeah.
I would love to know what you’re talking about right now.
Okay. So, for all those Christian kids out there, you know what I’m talking about, I bet. There is a very popular song, or a song that was very popular in the evangelical Christian community in the nineties and early oughts. It was a song called Jesus Freak by DC Talk. And you may have heard it.
I definitely have. What does that have to do with Santa vaping?
No, it’s ‘cause he has a belly that jiggles around like jelly. And the pre-chorus lyrics rapped by Toby Mac, another favorite of the evangelical community. I saw a man with a tat on his big fat belly and it wiggled around like marmalade jelly.
Okay. I didn’t remember that.
Yeah. The tattoo says Jesus saves and, you know, there’s other stuff there.
Painting a real picture for us, Toby. Thank you.
Yeah. Okay. So, that was my first touchstone for somebody having a little jelly belly.
Like the beans. Anyways.
Okay. Excuse me. We had Taco Bell today.
Ooh. Okay. With a wry little grin and a puff of his pen, he asked them both, “why are you still awake then?” “Beating Zelda” said Sylvie. “Watching sea sheep” said Jordan. “But at four in the morning?” Santa asked, quite disheartened. “You’re supposed to be nestled all snug in your bed with visions of sugar plums up in your heads”. But before he could argue or send them to sleep, Jordan lit up like fireworks and jumped up. Jordan lit up like fireworks and jumped to her feet. “Did you know”, she exclaimed with the wave of her hands, “sugar plums aren’t real plums, they’re hard candy in fact. The history is riveting. Let me just find the book.” And she runs to the book- or as she runs to the bookshelf Sylvie threw him a look. Oh my God. I can’t fucking read.
Thank you. I’m just a little sad little man.
You’re doing amazing, sweaty.
I’m trying so hard. Okay. As she ran to the bookshelf, Sylvie threw him a look. If you want to get out before boxing day, you should grab all the cookies and go, run away. So while Jordan searched, he went straight to his work and filled all the stockings and turned with a jerk and giving a nod, both exhausted and kind, St. Nick rolled up his pack, out the window he climbed. He sprained his sleigh to his- sorry.
He what his sleigh?
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim in a voice deep and sure, “happy Christmas to all, and to all, learn parkour.”
Oh wait, wait, sorry. Can I take the ending again?
Oh yeah, of course.
Okay. He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. Makes sense to me. But I heard him exclaim in a voice deep and sure “happy Christmas to all, and to all, learn parkour.”
I love that it said deep and sure and then you still sent that into the stratosphere.
Why did you ask me to read this if you didn’t want my artistic interpretation? You know?
No, I knew what I signed up for.
Yeah. So that one seems like it’s on you, honestly. It seems like a you problem. The youngest sibling urge and ability to make my problems other people’s problems.
You sure do.
I sure do.
Thank you so much for your dramatic reading of the poem.
You’re welcome for bringing your beautiful words to life. Couldn’t have done it without your hard work
I would also just like to thank Ned and Root Beer. Jeez. The timing. The timing on that. Outstanding. Okay. Hold on. Dum-dum. Okay.
Should we do the end credits?
Yes. Let’s do the end credits. I need to look those up real fast.
Anyways. How’d I do?
Theater major, how’d I do?
Theater major, how’d I do?
So good. I have no complaints. I’m not being threatened. I’m saying this of my own volition.
I’m writing this review from a safe location and it’s definitely my primary location. It’s definitely not a secondary location and I’m totally okay.
That’s great. Okay. Okay. This has been Or, Learn Parkour from Wholehearted Production Company.
You can find us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, et cetera, et cetera. You know, places where cool people find their podcasts.
Special thanks to Krizia Perito for our cover art design. You can find her at Petalhop. That’s P-E-T-A-L-H-O-P on Instagram, Twitter and Etsy.
How you doing?
I have a frog in my throat from laughing really hard earlier. And so I’ve just been struggling with that for the latter half of the poem and now, and I’m very sorry. Okay. Thanks to Tom Rosenthal for our theme song, There is a Dark Place off of the album Keep a Private Room Behind the Shop. I would also say, just as a recommendation, you should listen to Tom Rosenthal’s Christmas songs.
They’re lovely. They’re lovely.
They’re really, really good. They do hurt a little.
Oh yeah. Big ouchie.
But Christmas Quiet is my favorite Christmas song of all time and it is for a reason.
It’s a good one.
Tom Rosenthal, Merry Christmas.
Yeah, you can follow us on the soshe meeds. I don’t know what else to say to that. Yeah. Tom Rosenthal rules. You can follow us on the soshe meeds for more of this bullshit, @orlearnparkour on Twitter, @wearewpc on Instagram, and at wearewpc.com.
And you can find all the links to that in our episode description.
You can also find a link to, and this is a new and exciting piece of news, our Buzzsprout affiliate link. We are now Buzzsprout affiliates, which means that if you are inspired and wanna start your own podcast, if that’s your new year’s resolution or what have you, and you sign up through our link, you get a discount and an Amazon gift card, I think. And we get some money that helps us make this show. And it’s a good time for everyone around. I’ll be sharing that link.
Also, if we can make a podcast, chances are, you can make a podcast. So take heart.
Yeah. Hop on it. You got this. If you enjoy this podcast and would like to hear more, don’t forget to follow, subscribe, all of those good things.
Yeah. Yeah. And if you wanna take it a step further, leave us a review, share the show with a friend or an enemy. Could be a fun little spicy, little fun enemies to friends to lovers speed run for you. I don’t know how, but you could. I bet you could make it work. You could bond over our show.
We also have a Ko-fi if you wanna just give us money, please. And the Ko-fi, you can find a link to that on our Twitter and our Instagram.
You sure can. I’m Jordan.
And I’m Sylvie.
And this has been Or, Learn Parkour. Happy holidays and we’ll see you in two weeks.